The Onion does it again!

Imagine, if you will, The Onion as it will appear fifty-one years from now. I'm just bummed that much of the Midwest will be radioactive ruin then and Haliburton will get the contract to rebuild it.

And wouldn't you like it if your horoscope looked like this? Sure, it's just as much a bogus pile of B.S. as horoscopes are now, but at least it has way cooler signs. So, what's your sign? Asimov, Zelazny, or Bester?

Comments

  1. I love the horoscope. I'm a "le guin", which is way cooler than my standard sign.

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  2. Ditto me and "Severian."

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  3. On the other hand, I wasn't as impressed as most people with Gene Wolfe's novels. Actually, I'd prefer it if my sign were Asimov/Clarke or Bester

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  4. I was pretty excited about being a "Le Guin" until I realized that the sign encompassed 71 days-- 72 in a leap year!

    Orac, there's a 17-day period under this horoscope when you could be simultaneously an Asimov/Clarke AND a Bester. If you are neither, does that increase your disappointment?

    I love the (mostly) irregular intervals:

    Asimov/Clarke (Dec. 16—Jan. 2) = 18 days
    LeGuin (Jan. 3—Mar. 14) =71 days (72 days in a leap year)
    Gernsbacchus (Mar. 15—Apr. 21) =38 days
    Roddenberry (April 22—May 13) =22 days
    Zork (May 14—June 24) =42 days
    Delany (June 25—July 31) =37 days
    Severian (August 1—Sept 6) =37 days
    Zelazny (Sept 7—Oct. 13) =37 days
    Kirbii (Oct. 14—Nov. 20)= 38 days
    Bester (Nov. 21—Jan. 1)= 36 days

    It's at least as reasonable apportioning as any other horoscope.

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  5. Well, I'm in that Bester/Clarke/Asimov overlap, which is just fine: I'm a short-story hound anyway and LeGuin's the only other name on the list I'd really jump at.

    The rest of the issue is really quite good, too. I'm not a regular Onion-reader -- I find too-frequent exposure tends to wear poorly -- but this is cute. As usual, they haven't pitched it far enough into the future, though. Fifty years from now, it'll be like watching 2001....

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  6. Kristjan Wager6/26/2005 10:48 AM

    I wanted to be Zelazny, but am LeGuin, which I'm not to unhappy about.

    Piece of trivia, LeGuin and Zelazny both had their first stories published in 1962, as did Thomas Disch and Samuel Delany - in Delany's case it was a book, rather than a short story.

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